Maybe I’ll Pray

I have never been suicidal

But in some moments

There’s been nothing left to live for.

In some moments

‘I wish I could die so it could all stop,’ was a mantra

‘God just let me die!’ Almost like a prayer for my bleeding heart,

I could have prayed if I believed –

But tell me what kind of god curses you with a love that is poisoned?

What kind of god puts you through hell so you can experience heaven?

What kind of god blesses you with a life in which you can only pray to find peace, beg for release?

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I have never been a suicidal person,

But maybe that’s another lie

I should write a book, ‘Lies I tell myself’

My story,  a tragedy of my own making –

Once upon a million lies

Somewhere between living, loving, giving, searching, learning and losing

I got played

And every day I remained holding on to the very thing

I knew was not (good) for me, I thought maybe things would change

They said my patience would pay

Instead my heart it pained

My soul it drained

And I lost my brain.


I have never been a suicidal person

But on some days

I have understood what it is like –

To be pushed to the edge

(But there isn’t a cliff or a bridge to jump off at rock bottom)

To swallow a bottle of bitter pills

To slit my wrists, with my heart on my sleeve

To hang on like an abandoned, dusty coat.


I know what it’s like

To be alone in a cold, empty world

I have never been a suicidal person

But I know what it is like to lose hope

To want to go home…

But, where is home?

 

* * * * * * * * * *

This is for everyone whose bad moment/day turned into a really dark life. This is for everyone dealing, fighting and losing wars we cannot see, wearing scars which can’t show or speak of the things they have been through…you are not alone!! 

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  1. Pingback: The Real Thing

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